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I Thought It Was My Fault


I thought it was my fault
Because I'd skipped school
Because I'd trusted
Three boys in my house
Because I wore a mini skirt
Because we'd smoked pot
Because I'd trusted friendship
Because I didn't scream
Because I must have asked for it
Because
Because
Because...
I thought it was my fault
Laughing together
They took turns
The other two
Held me down
While each got a chance
Just a high school boys' prank
In my parents bed
I'd been a virgin
Till then
I thought it was my fault
Washed the sheets
Remade the bed
Brushed my teeth
Took a scalding hot shower
Scrubbed off the evidence
Of my shame
Before my parents got home
Smiled at the dinner table
Never said a word
Hoping my guilt
Didn't bleed through
My clean clothes
I thought it was my fault
At school
The next day
Couldn't face them
Or anyone
Hide out at the library
At lunch
Ducked into empty classrooms
When I saw them in the hall
Laughing together
Never told a soul
Not even my best girlfriend
Ever
I thought it was my fault
Then I made the
Dangerous choices
Guilty girls make
Girls who know
They don't deserve better
Had the life that results
Lousy jobs
Lousy men
Even lousy cars
The leftovers
All a guilty girl
Can expect
I thought it was my fault
And now I'm telling you
But you can't know my name
After thirty years
It's still my secret
It's still my shame
Because at some level
Even now
I still think it was my fault
 
Anonymous


( 2003 Valley Trauma Center)

 

 
Copyright 2004 Valley Trauma center...All Rights Reserved