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There has been something on my mind for a long time that I have wanted to get off my chest so I can move on with my life. Those feelings which I have felt have blocked me in different areas.
This talk is between you and me and what I need from you is to listen to what I have to say. I plan to read from this paper just to make it easier, simpler, so I don't repeat myself.
I have kept the secret between you and me for a very long time. I mean the secret concerning the inappropriate fondling when I was eight years old. Over the last six years it has come to the surface.
I am not concerned with whatever reasons caused you to do it, I'm dealing with my feelings over the incidents.
I felt you took advantage of me when you lived on the farm because of the emotional disadvantage of not having a father and other mistreatment by males, and the overpowering effect of you being the adult and me the child.
As a result, I have had to go into counseling to unravel the confusion I feel when someone touches me, and the trust factor towards men.
The counselor told me that the fondling you did to me when I was eight years old over a period of three years was a form of incest. Things like stroking my vagina and kissing my nipples. I had a hard time accepting that it was incest since it did not include sexual intercourse.
Sometimes I am angry and resentful that I'm in therapy, for the time and money spent through all this.
I really thought you were an old man when you molested me, but found out that you were in your thirties. Then when I started dating men in their thirties, I wondered and feared that they could become like you. Could I marry someone that inappropriately touched children and not know it? Would I also be capable of inappropriately fondling a child?
At the time of the incident, I felt that I had lost the innocence of my childhood. Even though a few adults asked me about the fondling, I always seemed to protect you and denied what was happening. And I never knew how to tell you, "No." I thought to myself, what would people think? I felt I had no control over my body, but now I want to take the control back from other people.
Even when I became an adult, sometimes when I would go to visit Grandmother, I would worry about what might happen if she wasn't home and you were there by yourself. I feared I would have problems if you tried to approach me physically.
I felt you had so much power over me, but now I am not going to let you have it anymore. I am taking that power back.
At one point my mother did approach me when I was small and asked me about you touching me, and I denied it. I was embarrassed, and felt that I was doing something bad because of what was happening. When I see shows on TV dealing with incest I get angry, and wonder how many other kids have and are being affected by incest.
I remember when you broke your leg at the park in the winter time and we took you to the hospital. You wanted me to sit in the back of the station wagon, and you tried to touch me under my winter clothes, despite the fact that you may have been in pain with your broken leg. I thought then you must be a sick man. I wondered what your kids would have thought of me if they found out.
Because of this childhood experience, having a close and intimate relationship and trusting men have been difficult for me.
So I wanted to not keep this secret anymore between you and me. I needed to get it off my chest so I can move on with my life and bury it once and for all.


Excerpt from Finding Our Voices: Speaking Out Against the Violence
Copyright ©1991 Finding Our Voices/ The Journal Workshop Press



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